In May I was having such a crisis of faith because I was being "beaten up" from all sides. Family difficulties, financial ruin, physical illness, spiritual darkness and an obvious attack on my whole family from the evil one- demonic oppression was what was mentioned in Confession by Father. It was so bad that one morning in late May I was on my way to volunteer cleaning the church for my friend who was on vacation when everything came to my mind in some horrible crescendo and my life came crashing down all around me. It was the most horrible thing. In that moment I thought about my life before following the narrow path. I was tempted to think about all the things we had when I was working full-time, the shopping, the "going out with the girls", etc. In that moment I was really tempted to go back to work full-time and stop working for my family and stop serving the Kingdom. In a moment of great weakness I told Jesus, "I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I can't follow You anymore. It's too hard." I was crying. In the midst of all of this I remembered in my mind, very softly, a prayer that I had said often, "Lord, if it ever looks like I am walking away from You, like I'm going to abandon You, then take me right then because I would rather die right now then to live without You for eternity." So sobbing, I repeated that prayer with all my heart.
When I got to the church I cleaned for an hour and thought about everything. I resolved to get back on the path and felt really sorry for doubting, for what I had done. I left to go pick up my two friends for Mass. I picked up one friend and we were on our way to pick up her mother. I told her about what happened earlier. We stopped at a red traffic light at a busy intersection. The light turned green and I usually look before starting out. All the cars were lined up and we started across the street. When we were almost across a car came speeding out of the last lane and broadsided me with enough force to break his axle. It was quite a jolt which knocked off my front bumper but fortunately no one was hurt. It woke me up! In my heart I felt Jesus was asking me, "Is this what you really want?" I just cried. The man who hit me was really shaken up. He told me, "I don't know what happened. I looked up and the light was green. Then I looked again and it was red. I saw you coming and I couldn't stop. I just couldn't stop." My heart melted. I remembered the prayer I had prayed earlier and could see how faithful and merciful Jesus was to me. He heard my prayer and I knew He would never let me fall... I understood He would never let me go. He could have taken me in that moment but He didn't. He knew that I could never walk away from Him no matter what may happen. The evil one's plans were foiled. I love God even more now. And I pray that I may love Him more and more every day.
Right after the accident God gave me another chance to serve the Kingdom. I ministered to the man who hit me. He was so distraught that he was shaking. I witnessed to him about God's love and mercy and that everything was going to be alright. I told him that no one was hurt and that the insurance would pay for the damage to our cars.
At a later date I confessed for about an hour...for my unfaithfulness to Jesus in a moment of weakness. And I rejoice that He forgave me and showers us with his love and mercy.
I can't say that my life has gotten any easier...in some ways it has even been worse. But I have faith. Faith that no matter what happens, God will not let me fall. He is my strength and my song. And I will love Him always and forever for He is my dear One.
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