Fumbling My Way Through Faith and Trust

This month has been by far the most difficult of the year. At the beginning of the month I received in the mail notice that my mammogram was abnormal and to come back in for more tests. It didn't say what they found- just to call them. So I did and the tech scheduled me for the following Tuesday. I said, ok, Lord, Your will be done in me. I didn't just blurt it out, I meant it with all my being. I had often wondered what my reaction would be to news like this. I thought back on the movie, "Therese", at the scene where she found out she had TB. She told Jesus that she loved Him. I've always been touched by that and hoped my response would be the same to some tragic news about my health. The next six days I pondered various scenarios from the doctor telling me it's not cancer to a simple lumpectomy to metastatic cancer and finally to the end of my life here on earth. They were the longest six days of my life. When faced with the possibility of a devastating diagnosis I realized I had two choices. Either panic and grasp for every thin strand of hope or pray that my will be conformed to God's will and be at peace. I thought that the latter would be what I would choose.

The morning of my appointment was a Tuesday. I have Eucharistic Adoration from 6-7 am. I finished Morning Prayer in the chapel. I sang and prayed out loud in confidence that whatever will happen The Lord will be with me every step of the way. Finally, I took my shoes off (hallowed ground) and approached the altar and knelt down in front of Jesus, trembling. I knew that what I was about to do was serious and in the past I've offered myself, my suffering. I believe God graciously accepts these offerings and sometimes says yes, leading to unimaginable physical suffering, like my offering on Holy Thursday 2008 when I suffered an excruciating kidney stone within an hour of my asking Jesus in the Most Blessed Sacrament to let me share His Passion. Most of the time it will last for about 3 hours. I offer not only for my purification, but for the purification and salvation of others, out of love for God and for them. Each bout of suffering manages to only bring me closer to Jesus, as I share in the cross. My love is deepened and sweeter. Don't let anybody tell you suffering has no merit. This would be false.

I lay prostrate on the floor in front of the altar and made my offering. I told Him whatever He wills, either good health or the worst, I will accept. I felt at peace.

I went to my appointments and the news was the best. No cancer. I was relieved to say the least. I was happy for my family the most. As far as my offering is concerned- I left it in His hands and the answer was not now. My faith and trust had been tested and I only loved and trusted Him even more after this experience.

Then the next crisis hit. It involved one of our children and the abuse of prescription drugs. This teenager of ours experimented with a certain drug which is prescribed for depression and anxiety. It usually makes one drowsy and calm but had the opposite reaction on him and he had taken well above the normal amount of pills. He became enraged for three days, leading to him being taken to the hospital by the sheriff deputy where we sat for six hours waiting for a proper diagnosis and treatment, which we thought was inadequate. He was also suspended from school, which turned into not being able to attend his high school for a year. This was very difficult for him as he had looked forward all summer to the new school year where he had a lot of hope for a promising year.

These horrible few days of worry and disbelief was compounded by multiple other family issues and I found myself completely overwhelmed. At the height of the drama, when I thought I couldn't take just one more second of it I fled in my car. I didn't know where to go or who to call as I drove up the street. I decided I would go to the Adoration Chapel and sit with Jesus until I figured it out. I didn't know what to pray as I sat there sobbing. I just cried and cried and then thought the Divine Mercy Chaplet would be the only thing I could pray as I didn't think I could concentrate on the mysteries of the Rosary. After a while the tears stopped and I gazed upon the Blessed Sacrament in hope. I felt a little peaceful and thought I could go home.

The next couple of days were hard and I felt battered. Friday afternoon I found out something else which added to the feeling of being overwhelmed. I thought about escaping to Colorado to visit my friend, Mari. If I had the money I would have left the next morning. I just knew that I needed to rest. My cup was empty and it needed to be refilled. I thought about faith and trust. I had faith...I really believe in God with everything in me. Then I thought about trust. Did I trust God. Did I trust that everything works for the good for those who love The Lord? Yes, I believe it for others, but for myself? I have experience with things going from bad to worse. And some things get even worse and take a long time to get better. Do I really have to go through that again? Am I strong enough to persevere this time? What is my breaking point and will I abide in faith and trust no matter what? I was in crisis. I just didn't know. I needed an answer. I texted a Priest I know and he answered right back. He gave the example of Mary at the Anunciation. She didn't know what was going to happen to her either. My anxiety lessened as I was pulled back into the reality of God's grace alone being sufficient. Leave it to him to give me an example that is close to my heart, the Blessed Mother. Well I was left without any further excuse to pull out of the hat. Ok, Lord, Thy will be done again. In this and in everything.

In Our Weakness He Is Strong

In May I was having such a crisis of faith because I was being "beaten up" from all sides. Family difficulties, financial ruin, physical illness, spiritual darkness and an obvious attack on my whole family from the evil one- demonic oppression was what was mentioned in Confession by Father. It was so bad that one morning in late May I was on my way to volunteer cleaning the church for my friend who was on vacation when everything came to my mind in some horrible crescendo and my life came crashing down all around me. It was the most horrible thing. In that moment I thought about my life before following the narrow path. I was tempted to think about all the things we had when I was working full-time, the shopping, the "going out with the girls", etc. In that moment I was really tempted to go back to work full-time and stop working for my family and stop serving the Kingdom. In a moment of great weakness I told Jesus, "I'm done. I can't do this anymore. I can't follow You anymore. It's too hard." I was crying. In the midst of all of this I remembered in my mind, very softly, a prayer that I had said often, "Lord, if it ever looks like I am walking away from You, like I'm going to abandon You, then take me right then because I would rather die right now then to live without You for eternity." So sobbing, I repeated that prayer with all my heart.

When I got to the church I cleaned for an hour and thought about everything. I resolved to get back on the path and felt really sorry for doubting, for what I had done. I left to go pick up my two friends for Mass. I picked up one friend and we were on our way to pick up her mother. I told her about what happened earlier. We stopped at a red traffic light at a busy intersection. The light turned green and I usually look before starting out. All the cars were lined up and we started across the street. When we were almost across a car came speeding out of the last lane and broadsided me with enough force to break his axle. It was quite a jolt which knocked off my front bumper but fortunately no one was hurt. It woke me up! In my heart I felt Jesus was asking me, "Is this what you really want?" I just cried. The man who hit me was really shaken up. He told me, "I don't know what happened. I looked up and the light was green. Then I looked again and it was red. I saw you coming and I couldn't stop. I just couldn't stop." My heart melted. I remembered the prayer I had prayed earlier and could see how faithful and merciful Jesus was to me. He heard my prayer and I knew He would never let me fall... I understood He would never let me go. He could have taken me in that moment but He didn't. He knew that I could never walk away from Him no matter what may happen. The evil one's plans were foiled. I love God even more now. And I pray that I may love Him more and more every day.

Right after the accident God gave me another chance to serve the Kingdom. I ministered to the man who hit me. He was so distraught that he was shaking. I witnessed to him about God's love and mercy and that everything was going to be alright. I told him that no one was hurt and that the insurance would pay for the damage to our cars.

At a later date I confessed for about an hour...for my unfaithfulness to Jesus in a moment of weakness. And I rejoice that He forgave me and showers us with his love and mercy.
I can't say that my life has gotten any easier...in some ways it has even been worse. But I have faith. Faith that no matter what happens, God will not let me fall. He is my strength and my song. And I will love Him always and forever for He is my dear One.