This month has been by far the most difficult of the year. At the beginning of the month I received in the mail notice that my mammogram was abnormal and to come back in for more tests. It didn't say what they found- just to call them. So I did and the tech scheduled me for the following Tuesday. I said, ok, Lord, Your will be done in me. I didn't just blurt it out, I meant it with all my being. I had often wondered what my reaction would be to news like this. I thought back on the movie, "Therese", at the scene where she found out she had TB. She told Jesus that she loved Him. I've always been touched by that and hoped my response would be the same to some tragic news about my health. The next six days I pondered various scenarios from the doctor telling me it's not cancer to a simple lumpectomy to metastatic cancer and finally to the end of my life here on earth. They were the longest six days of my life. When faced with the possibility of a devastating diagnosis I realized I had two choices. Either panic and grasp for every thin strand of hope or pray that my will be conformed to God's will and be at peace. I thought that the latter would be what I would choose.
The morning of my appointment was a Tuesday. I have Eucharistic Adoration from 6-7 am. I finished Morning Prayer in the chapel. I sang and prayed out loud in confidence that whatever will happen The Lord will be with me every step of the way. Finally, I took my shoes off (hallowed ground) and approached the altar and knelt down in front of Jesus, trembling. I knew that what I was about to do was serious and in the past I've offered myself, my suffering. I believe God graciously accepts these offerings and sometimes says yes, leading to unimaginable physical suffering, like my offering on Holy Thursday 2008 when I suffered an excruciating kidney stone within an hour of my asking Jesus in the Most Blessed Sacrament to let me share His Passion. Most of the time it will last for about 3 hours. I offer not only for my purification, but for the purification and salvation of others, out of love for God and for them. Each bout of suffering manages to only bring me closer to Jesus, as I share in the cross. My love is deepened and sweeter. Don't let anybody tell you suffering has no merit. This would be false.
I lay prostrate on the floor in front of the altar and made my offering. I told Him whatever He wills, either good health or the worst, I will accept. I felt at peace.
I went to my appointments and the news was the best. No cancer. I was relieved to say the least. I was happy for my family the most. As far as my offering is concerned- I left it in His hands and the answer was not now. My faith and trust had been tested and I only loved and trusted Him even more after this experience.
Then the next crisis hit. It involved one of our children and the abuse of prescription drugs. This teenager of ours experimented with a certain drug which is prescribed for depression and anxiety. It usually makes one drowsy and calm but had the opposite reaction on him and he had taken well above the normal amount of pills. He became enraged for three days, leading to him being taken to the hospital by the sheriff deputy where we sat for six hours waiting for a proper diagnosis and treatment, which we thought was inadequate. He was also suspended from school, which turned into not being able to attend his high school for a year. This was very difficult for him as he had looked forward all summer to the new school year where he had a lot of hope for a promising year.
These horrible few days of worry and disbelief was compounded by multiple other family issues and I found myself completely overwhelmed. At the height of the drama, when I thought I couldn't take just one more second of it I fled in my car. I didn't know where to go or who to call as I drove up the street. I decided I would go to the Adoration Chapel and sit with Jesus until I figured it out. I didn't know what to pray as I sat there sobbing. I just cried and cried and then thought the Divine Mercy Chaplet would be the only thing I could pray as I didn't think I could concentrate on the mysteries of the Rosary. After a while the tears stopped and I gazed upon the Blessed Sacrament in hope. I felt a little peaceful and thought I could go home.
The next couple of days were hard and I felt battered. Friday afternoon I found out something else which added to the feeling of being overwhelmed. I thought about escaping to Colorado to visit my friend, Mari. If I had the money I would have left the next morning. I just knew that I needed to rest. My cup was empty and it needed to be refilled. I thought about faith and trust. I had faith...I really believe in God with everything in me. Then I thought about trust. Did I trust God. Did I trust that everything works for the good for those who love The Lord? Yes, I believe it for others, but for myself? I have experience with things going from bad to worse. And some things get even worse and take a long time to get better. Do I really have to go through that again? Am I strong enough to persevere this time? What is my breaking point and will I abide in faith and trust no matter what? I was in crisis. I just didn't know. I needed an answer. I texted a Priest I know and he answered right back. He gave the example of Mary at the Anunciation. She didn't know what was going to happen to her either. My anxiety lessened as I was pulled back into the reality of God's grace alone being sufficient. Leave it to him to give me an example that is close to my heart, the Blessed Mother. Well I was left without any further excuse to pull out of the hat. Ok, Lord, Thy will be done again. In this and in everything.
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